RANGER ACTIVITIES DIVISION
                           MORNING REPORT

Attention: Directorate
           Regional and Park Chief Rangers, USPP, BIFC, FLETC
           CC: RAD Information Net

Day/date:  Friday, September 13, 1991

INCIDENTS

91-4,641 - Statue of Liberty (New York) - Bomb

Sometime in early August, terrorists from Iraq set off a pretty 
big thermonuclear device in the base of the Statue of Liberty.  
According to reliable reports from witnesses in nearby 
Connecticut, it appears that New York Harbor now incorporates 
most of what was once Manhattan and Staten Island.  Although the 
park has not yet submitted details of the incident, it is 
thought that the statue no longer exists in its prior form.  It 
is also likely that most units of Manhattan Sites have also been 
atomized.  An investigation into the incident is underway. 
[Report from somebody in Connecticut, 9/13]

91-4,642 - Yosemite (California) - Assault

A few days ago, a person or persons unknown apparently wiped out 
most of what was once the ranger staff in the Valley District 
with a combination of automatic weapons, air-delivered smart 
bombs and satellite lasers.  This is the third time this summer 
that such an incident has occurred.  It's expected that this 
incident will have a positive impact on the pink sheets, however.  
[Rumor from the park via call to Lava Beds, then call to Golden 
Gate, then side remark during visit to WRO, then CompuServe 
message, 9/13]

91-4,643 - Glacier (Montana) - Search in Progress

All 12,000 members of the Boy Scout Jamboree, which was being 
held in a nearby community, disappeared while roaming around 
without supervision in the park's back country last Sunday, or 
maybe it was the Sunday before.  No clues have yet been found, 
but a search involving the Strategic Air Command, the Royal 
Canadian Mounted Police, 300 dog units, and every park ranger in 
Rocky Mountain Region is now underway.  The boys apparently 
became lost after ingesting parts of several thousand tall, 
nineleaved plants with interesting buds that were growing in a 
plantation behind park headquarters.  [Intercepted radio report 
from B-52 circling over park, 9/12]

91-4,644 - Herbert Hoover (Iowa) - Suspected Drugs

While on routine patrol last spring, a ranger discovered 50 men 
armed with machine guns loading a dozen semitrailers with heroin, 
cocaine, LSD and a leafy substance from the basement of the 
Herbert Hoover Library.  A courtesy tag was issued for 
destruction of natural resources, as the trailers had crushed a 
lot of grass while backing up to the facility.  [Report 
hand-carried by hiker who walked from Iowa to DC, 9/13]